


Commander of the Fallen

by Jessicakes1994



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Dreams, F/M, Feels, Flashbacks, Fluff, Lost Normandy, Memories, No Shepard without Vakarian, Paragon Commander Shepard, Post-Mass Effect 3, Post-Reaper War, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rebuilding the Citadel, Saving EDI, Spoilers, family life, recovering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-09-19 05:47:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9421232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessicakes1994/pseuds/Jessicakes1994
Summary: By destroying the Reapers, Shepard made a choice in sacrifice and had no intention of making it out alive. However, fate seemed not to agree with her as she survives the blast. Separated from her ship, crew and Anderson, Shepard must face the truth behind everything she fought for on her own.  Facing the open darkness and fighting once more on a battle that may shake everything Shepard has known to it's core.





	1. Homeward Bound

_The view out of the apartment was beautiful, streaming lights, the faint smell of food and faint sound of music. It was like a pause for the moment. A breath to be caught and to rest for just a fraction of a second. Anderson had gifted this amazingly beautiful apartment to her and her first visit ended in a battle with a clone. Shepard shook her head lightly at that memory. The sarcastic comments of her crew, the fact she fell through a bloody fish tank was still making her want to bang her head against the glass. Then there was the aftermath of it all, Joker had all too happily pushed for this 'gathering' and with amount of alcohol that Glyph had bought she had a small amused feeling that someone was bound to be thrown off that balcony._

_"They will be here soon, Shepard." came an all too familiar voice that made her sigh slowly. Shivers running down her back as she turned to her partner. A smile played at her lips as her Turian walked over to window. Blue armor reaching up and brushing locks of her bright red hair behind her ear. It was one of the few times she actually let her hair down and it seemed her lover was very interested in what he liked to call a fringe._  
_"Why am I doing this again?" Shepard asked with a slight tilt of her head, the question was rhetorical but that didn't change the fact that she had invited everyone. All her family._  
_"Because you need a break?" Garrus replied, "that isn't with your charming bad-boy boyfriend?" he added with a chuckle._

 _Shepard laughed and brushed her hand over his mandible, how had this happened between them? From releasing stress to being a one turian kind of woman._  
_"I am sure that we can have fun, without too much trouble?" she was hopeful not to have to call C-Sec or explain why they shouldn't be arrested. She leaned in and kissed him softly, it was the doorbell that brought them out of each other. And that was the start of it all, from the eternal debate of who was stronger to trying to make sure Javik and Wrex didn't blast a hole in her new apartment. Shepard stood by the piano as she looked at the people who saved her so many times. The reason why the great Commander A. Shepard was so great. It was nice to see them talking to each other and be apart of her downtime, a twist in her stomach made her lean back against the black piano._

_All her life had been one battle after another, losing her parents and becoming a war hero and then Saren and Geth. Collectors. The only time she had a decent rest was when she was on the operating table, the saying "I'll sleep when I'm dead." applied too well to her really. And now, the Reapers were beating down the door and she was here trying to take a breather. The only difference was now the music and food was inside the apartment not on the other side of glass. Shepard took a sip from her bottle and watched as her friends laughed with each other. Why was it slipping away? It was like she was glossing it over and over in her mind. Maybe that should have been a warning sign as she glanced towards Garrus and Joker, the fact she had now admitted that this was going to be the last time all of them were together._

_"I do believe you are supposed to smile at these things." Shepard glanced towards Liara and laughed faintly, though it had a very sad twinge to it. "Something bothering you, commander?" her oldest friend asked as she leaned beside her._  
_"No, just...letting it all sink in." Alyssa said softly in reply before turning back towards the others, "We have never been like this and well, I just wanna remember it." It must have been the way she said it or the way she was watching her love across the room that gave the clue to Liara._

 _"You don't think you'll survive this war, do you?" Liara asked slowly, smiling ever so slightly, she was always too good with questions. "We all have noticed that you are becoming less and less like yourself." Shepard glanced at her friend in surprise and maybe she wasn't so sure to deny it. What point was there in hiding the fact she was terrified of not seeing Earth again, or visiting Palaven when it wasn't in flames, or to watch the ships coming and going from the Citadel and to just have a lie in. All those things and more, growing old just didn't seem her thing anymore._  
_"Sleep just doesn't agree with me and well..." Alyssa wondered for a moment what she should say, "I just know that if we defeat them, it's the end of the legend."_  
_"The legend of the Reapers or the legend of Shepard?" Liara asked with a slight tilt of her drink and looked back at the others. "I know that your clone got to you in more ways then one, but that doesn't mean you should hold it in. He's waiting for you to open up you know." Shepard almost rolled her eyes at that comment. Were they high schoolers now? Whispering in the corner over romance and love and secrets._

_"Thanks Liara, for the pep talk, but I am fine." Alyssa said softly before pushing off the black piano and smiling at the Asari. "Cheers."_

It had been a nice dream, one that she believed would always stay with her, but it was over now. The memories, both good and bad, were fading as the blood dripped onto the metal floor. What had cut through her armor in the first place? Was it the explosion or the beam she ran into? Fear and adrenaline kept her moving, through the pain that spiked each time she moved. Her mind wandered back to the party, a painful laugh escaping her as she recalled the comments as she took the dance floor.  But then she didn't want to think anymore, how many of the people she knew were still walking? Still alive? 

Oh god, Anderson. Alyssa opened her eyes again and looked up, where was she on the Citadel? To get a view on it all so beautifully and not be able to hear anything at all. Shepard could see Earth, the edge of the moon and something else. What was that? Was it Hackett's ship? From where she sat, the blue and green seemed so beautiful against the blackness, but the things that surrounded her Earth made her frown slightly. It hurt though, the cuts on her face were probably superficial. Flashes of red and orange, white and purple. This was reality.

Shepard flinching slightly as she looked back at the beam of light that was beginning to explode. The child AI was stood, flickering as the machine began to pulse, sending a shock wave outwards. She had done it. Finished what everyone had expected her to do, beaten the one enemy that had killed so many. What would they all say? Many would ask what's next? There was nothing left for a 'big bad' anymore. What an odd feeling, to break the hold and hope this brought the rest of them together. What had Garrus called her? Peacekeeper. Another painful chuckle escaped her lips as she let her head fall back. 

It would be over soon, and for once, Alyssa was not afraid of what was to come. But as she closed her eyes for what she believed was the last time, all her thoughts could come up with was the way Garrus had smiled that way and the way her heart broke when he said "I love you." as she forced him onto the Normandy. Without her.   
"I'm...sorry." perhaps if she said it out loud, he could forgive her, a tear escaped her eye as Shepard fell into the darkness once again. This wasn't something she could fight any longer, it was about time she got some sleep.


	2. Waking Up Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The afterlife wasn't all it cracked up to be after all...

_...beep....beep....beep...._

Now that was an infuriating sound. It sounded allot like an alarm ringing inside her head over and over and over again. It would be amusing if that was her damnation, annoying sounds without being able to see. Though, the more she tired to focus the more it seemed to fade in and out. A constant but elusive sound that just edged around her subconscious, and no matter what she tried to move it just seemed to be answered by a numb ache. And that infernal beeping. 

Darkness seeped in once more and it must have been hours before she felt the numbing ache and sounds returned. The beeping was less (thank the gods above!) and there were murmurs. Whispers at the edge of her mind that sounded so familiar. Echos of dreams...or were they memories? Small bits of what remained of her. Shepard tried so hard to think on it, to push that door in her mind open and feel  _something_. No matter what she had been through, anything was better then this, well maybe not the whole being blown up (only once, being blown outward in space didn't count...).

_The shower was cool, it almost soothed the burning bruises, soft and gentle as she leaned against the metal. Rest and relax, that was what Joker had mused to her, they had time before the Omega 4 relay. All of it rested on them, it was now or never, and yet...  
What had started as a simple suicide mission had grown so fast into so much more. Stepping out and drying off was almost robotic and getting dressed was even more so. Some days she felt less and less like her and more and more like a robot. How much was actually real? She left the bathroom with a sigh and ran her hand through her hair, she didn't even hear the door go. But there he was, with that awful wine and that almost nervous stance. _

_"Hey, I brought wine. Best I could afford on a vigilante's salary." he mused as he stood in that door frame. Shepard  merely raised an eyebrow as he dashed to the console to play a track she had barely heard of.  She shook her head slightly as he walked, well, more swaggered slightly to the left. She tried her best not to laugh as he smirked slightly, though it looked like he was trying to be something he wasn't._

_"If you were a turian, I'd be complimenting your waist or your fringe. So...your, uh, hair looks good. And your waist is...very supportive."  he started and she almost cringed with the way he looked around at anything but her. He had been her friend, kept her alive through things that barely made sense, and right now she cared for the male before her. "Hopefully that's not offensive in human culture. Crap. I knew I should have watched the vids. Throw me a line, here, Shepard." the almost plea in his voice caused a light giggle to pass through her lips and deep warmth spread through her chest. She knew he would keep on talking if she didn't step in and by the gods above she would stop him from being so adorable that she couldn't focus._

_"Woah! Considered me seduced, smooth talker. Now shut up and stop worrying." Shepard said softly and turned towards the same console to turn the music off. What little she knew on romance was obvious and still he made her feel...alive. Small hope at being more. Was she crazy for even considering this? Whatever_ _this was._

_"I just...I've seen so many things go wrong, Shepard. My work at C-sec, what happened with Sidonis..." his voice was sad at the end and she felt the same twinge she did when she stood between the Garrus she knew and the one he was choosing to become. He had scared her in those moments. "I want something to go right. Just once. Just.." Shepard didn't even know what made her reach out and brush her finger tips along his scarred mandible. Another twinge in her chest, like someone had knelt on her ribs. Letting her hand rest on his arm she leaned forward slightly and felt the warmth on her forehead. A lovely display of affection in his culture, she knew that much, but then she felt his hand run up her arm. This was more now then she would ever care to admit._

The beeping came back in a brutal fashion. The crushing in her ribs was back again, but that almost made her feel better, dread burned in her chest as the moments passed. Feeling meant she was alive. Feeling, even bad, meant that she survived. That thought made something deep in her snap, she willed herself awake. At least, she hoped she was awake. Blinding light and blurred shapes.

"...there is....signs...implants..." Shepard didn't like the sound of that at all, mainly because it sounded so garbled in all honesty, but also because the thrill of seeing light was almost overpowering. Blinking only brought more blurred images. 

".....awake?" came a familiar mumble and she turned her head slightly, blue blurs met with white and yellow. "...Shep..." it spoke, she breathed out slowly as the burning increased. What had she wanted? To scream and shout? To ask where she was? Idle fancies. Closing her eyes slightly she let the darkness come back. Just to ease the suffering at least, but mainly due to exhaustion. One thing was for sure, she was very much alive and that meant one thing.

She was Alive.  


	3. Thankful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery is harder then people think.

_It was hard. Shepard knew it would be. Standing before the tribunal was always at the back of her mind, but it seemed so far away, yet here she was. Stood in her dress blues and watching exactly what she had been reported of doing the last year. Her jaw was set and she messed with her fingers as people she had never met decided her fate. Anderson was stood beside her, he had defended her case for some strange reason. As did Admiral Hackett._

_"She's a spy, for Cerberus, she should be stripped of her rank!" came one very angry female voice,_  
"No, the Commander has risked everything for us time and again, we should see what she knows." came another. Voices battling in a pointless case, the more time she spent in this fake prison the more time Harbinger had to reach Earth. Or Palaven. No, she wasn't going to think of him now, not when she needed to remain stone faced in front of the jackals that currently surrounded her.  
"Ground her, she shouldn't be allowed to leave." came a very familiar voice, one that made her bite her tongue, she glanced across the room to Kaidan. He was looking right at her....no, not at her, through her. Looking to the man who had once been her friend gave her a sad sense of duty.

_Shepard looked back as she was called forward, for her own testimony, and a slight squeeze from Anderson told her not to lose it in here. Easier said then done as she looked up at the Admirals. They held her life, her career, her entire being in their palms._

_"I know people want me to apologize,. I know they think of me as a traitor to the Alliance. At best, they believe I am just some VI that thinks it's me, but I can tell you what I told everyone else. What it says in that stupid piece of paper in front of you." Shepard started and felt the entire room look at her. She had faced Reapers, Collectors, bullets and being put in harms way more times then she could count. She wasn't afraid on Elysium but here, in this room, she felt the fear creep in. "It started in Geth space. When the Normandy was destroyed and apparently I died." she said and glanced towards Kaidan. "Time passed and I woke up, days had not passed for me and before I knew it I was back in the front lines of a war I never wanted a part of." No emotion was what she was taught. No bringing feelings into a war meeting._

_"But the fact is I came to you. I gave you everything I had and still it wasn't enough. I fought Saren and Sovereign, fighting you and the council every step of the way because my word wasn't good enough." she looked directly at the Admirals now. Glaring into them as she channeled what had been brewing for months. "I worked with Cerberus to fight the Collectors, I used their money and their resoures to get through the Omega 4 relay and once that was done, I came here and gave you my...." she breathed in and looked down. "I gave you the Normandy and submitted to whatever punishment you deemed appropriate. On one condition." she said and looked back up._

_"That you don't go looking for the crew that helped me." Shepard sighed faintly, "Discharge me, dishonorably for all I care, but the Reapers are coming and they will not be kind. Thank you." She didn't even wait for the result of her less then submissive reply as she turned and left with her guard. Of course, the solider who had been assigned to her. A lieutenant none the less. Alyssa glanced towards the male now and smiled faintly as he was grinning at her._

_"Something to say, Vega?" she asked as they walked back to her quarters._

_"Nothing, ma'am." he replied almost dutifully, only grinning more as he did so. "Except..." she stopped and turned to him as he saluted her._

_"_ _...thank you."_

Alyssa Shepard was going stir crazy, or at least that was what she was telling herself. Her eyes had started to work again, after her first few attempts, but they still needed rest from time to time. The idea of moving was forbidden and as much as she would kill for coffee, or cake, or even something that didn't look like puree baby food, she was on a strict and rather sad list of orders. Recover. That was her mission now and damn her if she didn't miss the stupid giant death machines that threatened everything. She was currently sat up in her bed, staring at the wall in front of her, waiting for something. Anything. 

It seemed that destroying the machines came with a price. A lot of people with synthetics had been crippled and a few had even died. But thanks to some brilliance and allot of working together, many things had been restored and were now up and running again. Even some of the Geth had been restored to their functionality. Tali would have a field day at the idea of Legions memory being recovered and if that was true....

Shepard lead her head back and ignored the bite of pain as she did so, because the truth was her crew were still missing and EDI...she had taken Joker's only real connection to romance without warning him, hell, he probably didn't even blame her. But that didn't stop her from doing it. And then the crushing pain came flooding back as she breathed in, whenever she thought of the ship or what she had done, it naturally went to one place she hated to go.

_Garrus._

Did he think she lived? or had he placed her name with Ash's and accepted fate? Closing her eyes tightly, she ignored the world for one moment and tried not to let the feeling of loss overwhelm her.

"Commander." Shepard opened her eyes and saw an old friend smile, "Should have known you would cheat death just one more time." 

"Miranda, thank god." the way she sounded was harsh and dry, like Alyssa hadn't drank anything in months, and it caused the smile on the woman's face to falter slightly.

"They said you were in bad shape, but I never..." It was true that she had survived not only the blast of the citadel firing, but also the loss of power afterwards. The wounds that remained of all that had been worse when they found her. How Shepard was still breathing was a mystery since the medical VI had gone into shutdown, but she had been. The wounds consisted of broken bones, cuts and bruises, loss of nerves and one hell of a headache. Not to mention the lack of function in every single machine that kept her alive. What Miranda saw was what Shepard refused to see, her arm and leg bandaged, the other leg in a cast, a cast around her ribs and her skin burned blue and purple almost everywhere. Her eyes were worse, one completely bloodshot and the other a different colour, her hair was cut short and it was not as vibrant as it once had been. A ghost of herself that was just a painful reminder of everything she gave for the war. 

"I will heal, Miri, that much is true. Hair grows, bones heal, but that's not why you are here." Shepard said softly, watching as the cheerleader came and sat on the bed. "I know you, so tell me." Hackett had been hounding her for weeks after what happened, and without the Normandy or the Relay. Well, Earth was cut off.

"Losses were minimal in the attack, just the ones near the beam. The relay has been fixed, the first ship went through and came back an hour ago. They are starting to send people back and bringing others home....but..." Shepard sighed as she knew what was coming.  _No sign of the Normandy._ Nobody knew if they had even made it though before the explosion or even if they survived if they did. Joker was the best though. If anyone could make it home, it was her crew. 

"Miri, I am okay, go back to see your sister. I am sure Admiral Hackett can send someone else to babysit me. Bedridden remember?" Shepard laughed faintly, which was painful, but that was easy to hide nowadays. Almost too well. 

"Sometimes I wonder what exactly made you the way you are..." Miranda started, which caused Shepard to laugh a bit more.

"You did, at least partly." Alyssa smiled faintly as the woman laughed instead, nodding in reply before standing.

"I got you a gift, well, three actually." Miranda said and motioned at the door, a young lad came in with a box. Placed it on the bed, saluted, and left. Shepard raised an eyebrow at this and watched as Miranda opened it. Inside were actual books, a few pads and what looked like files on...no. It couldn't be.

"Enhanced Defense Intelligence..." Alyssa breathed out, feeling her throat constrict as she looked at the box with alarm. "Is that..."

"Yes, everything I had on her before and during the collectors, even a copy of her program before you left for earth. With this." Miranda opened the box to show a small disk, "You can restart EDI on the Normandy, when it comes home. It might not work, but it might and hope is powerful." Shepard knew that Miranda didn't believe in hope all that much until recently and somehow knew that it would work if they both believed in it. "The rest, well, you are going to be bored while you... _heal_. I even got you some of those awful models you loved. Lastly..." 

"There's more?" Alyssa asked with a raised eyebrow, surprised and very overwhelmed as she watched Miranda close the box and put it away.

"Of course, your hands are hurt still so you won't b able to read for a while, so I have some things for you to watch instead. Namely ones I could recover and old reports. Including the ones of our mission on the Collectors, in case you get sentimental." the smile said she already knew how sentimental Shepard was becoming, but this was so much and it felt too much like a goodbye.

"Miranda..." Alyssa started and glanced between the boxes, "...I don't know what to say." what could she say? she was growing tired now and the strain would only delay it, or so she was told. Shepard felt the lights dim and felt the blanket before sleep took her once more.

"Don't worry commander, we will find that stubborn crew of yours....and thank you." came a soft reply as Shepard slipped once again into sleep, where had she heard that before? Echos once again calling to her, dreams at last and there were no more nightmares. At least not yet. 


	4. Aboard the Normandy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aftermath of the crash, coming to terms with no EDI and Garrus refusing to place Shepard's name on the wall of the fallen

Minimal damage. The one and only silver lining. Garrus walked slowly through the ship, going to each floor and making sure everyone was alright. Chakwas had patched him up in record time and he was almost ashamed that he didn't feel guilty. No, what he did feel was empty. Like someone had hollowed him out and just left him behind...  
He had told himself again and again that she had to do it, she had to carry on while he couldn't, and he didn't blame her. She was the one thing that stopped the reapers, his peacekeeper. He slowed to a stop in front of the elevator and looked at the wall, they had gone to put her name up there with Anderson. But he couldn't do it, he believed whole heartily that she had survived. That his Alyssa was alive somewhere. His eyes lingered on EDI's plaque and he wondered how Joker was feeling, to lose both of the women in his life was brutal enough.

"Garrus." It was Liara, she was stood beside him looking at the names too, "This is becoming a routine of yours. I would think you would be calibrating something by now." Her tone was teasing but he knew it was merely for his benefit. It was her idea for him to stay in Shepard's quarters and that had helped a little. Feeding that damn furball, why Shepard had even bought a hamster was beyond him. But everyone seemed to love their mascot.

"Liara." Garrus replied slowly, his voice not sounding the same anymore, "I was going too but..." he couldn't take his eyes off the wall. All those people had given everything for them to survive and he just couldn't see the point in it anymore. From the beginning he knew this was going to be big, teaming up with a human who made him second guess everything he was taught. For a human, Shepard held a deep moral code that shook everything, she would save everyone if she could. 

"You started thinking of Shepard again." Liara mused faintly and looked at him, "She would tell you off for doing that, you know, shirking your duties." What his Asari friend was saying was true, she would make a sassy remark about Turians not being able to do their job without help and he would fall for the bait and work twice as hard. Another quality he loved about her.

"mmm." was all Garrus could reply with to that, his mind was foggy and he needed something. Anything. It was that moment that something clicked inside the ship and the lights came shuddering on. A deep rumble and the sound of humming came around them, the ship was coming back online.

"They got the ship working again, which means..." Liara started with a smile, Garrus sighed though, it meant that they had to rouse Joker out of his grief and that was something no one wanted to do. So Garrus nodded to himself and turned to Liara, looking at the woman who became the Shadow broker.

"I'll do it, if he goes to hit me I can subdue without breaking him." Garrus attempted a smile as Liara chuckled, they parted ways as Garrus walked to the cockpit of the Normandy. What was he supposed to say to inspire their pilot to get them home? For all he knew, Joker would do it anyway, for Shepard. But Garrus knew that the best pilot in the galaxy had an irk for him at the moment, refusing to place her name on the wall caused some slight tension between the two friends. If EDI was gone, then so was Shepard. 

_How could he have been so foolish? Quitting was one thing but to join alliances with a human, and a human that was just made Specter status was a whole other ballpark. His father would be so angry right now, but it was bigger then that, Saren was a threat to everyone. He followed the Commander slowly, the group consisted of a krogan that looked so battle worn it was probably a hobby to him, a quarian that seemed skittish but real handy in a fight, himself, A failed C-sec officer and three humans._

_The humans were different for sure but the fact there were two females and a male made him wonder how they came to know each other. For example the male was average build but had a fierce protective side that was almost ironic considering neither female needed protecting. The females were even more confusing to the Turian, both being red heads (one seemed more fiery, while the other was a deep auburn) made him think maybe the strongest warriors had red hair. However, they both stood and walked and acted differently. One looked at him with distrust and anger, not that he blamed Ashley for the hostility, they had warred against each other at one point. And her name was sure ringing a bell, but he couldn't place it. Now the other...Commander Alyssa Shepard._

_Shepard was weird. He had read the stories on the time before they set off. Orphaned on Mindor and Hero of Elysium. This female in front of him had held off batarian raiders on her own, his eyes watched her as she spoke with the female. Where Ashley was strong and set, Shepard was soft and fluid, but he had seen her fight and the way she had told him off in the clinic took him back far more then he liked. He stopped slowly as the Normandy came into view._

_"Guys, this is the Normandy, your new home." Shepard's voice called out, amused as she turned to her rag tag group, Wrex made a grumble and walked on ahead. Tali, the Quarian, seemed almost as shocked as he was. The Normandy's hull was sleek and beautiful, a totally different design he was used too. He looked back to his CO and blinked, she was smirking at him directly._

_"The best of Human and Turian design, Vakarian." the way she said his name made him gulp faintly, she expected the best and he was unsure if he could deliver. But he was going to try, this confusing situation was either going to make him. Or break him. All he knew, Shepard inspired something deep within him as she winked and walked aboard._

_"She's beautiful." came a timid voice beside him, Garrus snapped out of his fog and looked at the little quarian. He noticed who she was wringing her hands out and he reconigsed that as itching to touch the war ship.  
_

_"That she is Tali, that she is." Garrus mused and motioned for her to follow as they walked into the adventure with smiles on their faces._

 


	5. Joker's Condition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus and Joker have a heart to heart over a shared glass of fire whiskey.

Jeff Moreau was sat in the chair with what looked like Shepard's private alcohol collection. Garrus was bemused that Jeff even knew where their Commander hid the best liquor and how he managed to retrieve it without anyone noticing. Or maybe they did, and let him be. Whichever it was, Garrus felt kinship towards the human before him. Humans, he had learned, were very resilient and showed him the best of the galaxy. 

"Joker." Garrus started and standing right behind him. Words were hard when he knew they had barely shared two words since the memorial, mainly due to Garrus avoiding the pilot. The argument they had got into had been full of anger and even though Garrus didn't believe a word Joker had spat at him, he knew that the pilot needed time to sort though the feelings. 

"Vakarian." Joker used the same tone he had and looked up, "what do I owe this pleasure?" his voice reminded Garrus that this was far from easy, for either of them. And for all it was worth, Garrus' hope was more then what Joker had. He glanced towards the empty chair, how devastated Joker was when the wave hit and they lost...well,  _everything_. 

"Checking on you mainly, making sure you don't drink all the best whiskey." Garrus said slowly and noted the sorrow behind his friend's eyes, "and to get your ass back to work." Garrus added with a smirk. It was forced but it had the desired effect, a snort and a chuckle from Joker.

"Oh? Gonna poke me with that stick up your ass?" Joker replied and turned to face the screens. Garrus smiled more and shook his head lightly, an ongoing joke it seemed after all.

"I lost that stick, but don't worry, I am sure I can find a reasonable replacement." Garrus replied and leaned against a broken console. Looking at the man before him intently, for some sign that this was the start of mending their friendship.

"Look, Garrus..." Jeff turned to the turian and stopped, the smile was genuine now and he tilted his head slightly as Joker felt the words die in his throat.

"Care to share, something that won't kill me perhaps?" Garrus interrupted and picked another glass up, Joker obliged and fell silent as the turian looked around the cockpit. "Besides, I wouldn't want to break our pilot by poking him." the comments made Jeff relax and Garrus knew this, the banter was their way of reconnecting. 

"Go calibrate something." Joker replied with a huff and focused on downing his drink, the laugh he heard made him glance back up. Garrus was highly amused by that remark, namely due to the talking that happened during the party. With Liara's embrace eternity and Garrus' Calibrations, the whole crew had laughed about it. Even more so when Shepard said that if he tried calibrating her, she'd throw him out the airlock. Happy memories that were tinged with sadness.

"I'd rather drink with my friend, if he'll let me?" Garrus asked and chuckled more as Joker refilled their glasses, taking that as a yes to carry on. This was going to be another different kind of experience. He had done many human customs in the past and this seemed the most emotion filled thing he had ever taken on. After all, Shepard had taught him that humans were very emotional beings and one could hide pain almost as well as Turian if given the chance.

_Shepard wasn't sleeping. Garrus noted that first as he boarded the Normandy again, she was paler and looked exhausted, yet she had not said anything during their time on thr ground. There she had been just like before, strong and ready to charge head first into an impossible battle. Garrus watched as she spoke to Vega and Liara before turning to him, their eyes met and he felt the frisson of fear run through him. It had been months since they spoke to each other, he had sent many messages to her and not got a single reply. He knew that the Alliance was probably restricting her inbox but surely they had let her see how much he missed her? Or the fact that he needed her. She looked away first and that only spread the fear within him._

_His father had been angry, at first, and then understanding after. The stories he told made his father listen and respect Shepard, but he left out key points. Like the fact Garrus was undoubtedly in love with his commanding officer. A fickle one night tryst that ended with Garrus wanting to take his Shepard away from it all, instead he had watched her leave with Joker and went home. Crushed by the fact he didn't tell her the truth. Now, he felt like it was too late, he had been looking forward to meeting her on the battlefield and that feeling had led to being being guilty and fighting more then necessary. How could one have hope in a slaughter?_

_It wasn't until later, when she came to him in the ship's gun room that the feeling bloomed again. He was tinkering when he heard the door, felt the warmth run down his body, knowing it was her before she even spoke._

_"Garrus, waste no time getting back to work I see." Her voice was soft as it had always been, mixed with delayed humor as he focused on the gun. She was probably here to let him down easy, she had probably moved on or didn't feel anything towards him as he did her._

_"After what I've been through, calibrating a giant gun is a vacation. Gives me something to focus on." that wasn't you. Garrus felt shame as he finally looked towards her, she had stripped down out o her armor and was wearing a what could only be described as a tank top and loose pants. She was watching him intently, the tiredness gone from her face but not her eyes. Was she hiding that from everyone?_

_"We're going to need you for more then just your aim." she replied, teasing once more, he wanted to smile and laugh with her. But the dread was not fading as she stood there, real as the air he was breathing._

_"Oh, I'm ready for it, but I'm pretty sure we'll still need giant guns-and lots of them." Garrus said softly, trying to turn the conversation away from joking and lightness. GArrus glanced towards the gun, how he wished relationships were as easy as maintaining the gun before him._

_"I can't argue with that." came her reply, she stilled though and he knew that this was it, she was either going to give him a serious boost of hope or crush him. But he couldn't just wait for it, no, he breathed out and watched as she gave him a small smile._

_"Yeah, so...is this the part where we...shake hands?" he started and watched as she raised an eyebrow at him, "Wasn't sure about the protocol on reunions, or even if you felt the same way about me." he spoke slowly, nervous as the first night they spent together. Like he could forget that, he had tried at first. Blocking it out. But it had become his reason to fight, and fight hard. The silence stretched for a moment and he panicked._

_"The scars are starting to fade. I remember they drove you wild." maybe it wasn't the best thing to say, nor the most truthful, but he needed something. Still nothing, though now she was smiling at him. In that way she had in her room. It was that moment she leaned up and kissed him, it was a surprise that made him almost gasp._

_"That's the protocol on reunions." she teased, smiling even more at him. He had ran this over in his head so many times, over and over, yet it still hadn't matched what he thought of._

_"Yeah...the vids mentioned it might go something like that." he replied sheepishly, looking at her with newfound hope. "I had hoped it would. I mean, I didn't know-" he admitted but stopped as she took his hands into hers, the tiredness he had seen in her eyes was long gone now. Replaced with something he only hoped she saw in him too. Love._

_"I can't promise how things will work out, not with this war, but I missed you Garrus." she breathed against him and he was sure that he had died on the moon and was in heaven, the Normandy and her in his arms, "I thought about you allot." she continued, he wanted to kiss her again and again. Kissing was something he had only done with her after all._

_"Glad to know my romantic, uh....skills, made an impression." Shepard laughed a little, it was light and made his head spin slightly. He held onto her hands like she was his only lifeline. "Because it's going to take more than Reapers to come between this cross-species liaison." He mused in reply, causing her smile to grow. It was nice to see that their bond, even with the Reapers and Alliance and the council being between them._

"Garrus." Joker brought him out of the memory with a snort and laugh, "Did I lose you there? Not able to hold your drink?" the drunken pilot asked, smirking in that way that made Garrus want to beat him with a stick. Garrus shook his head and leaned back in the co-pilot chair. 

"Just thinking of how many whacks it would take to get you to stop talking, I think three?" Garrus replied with a chuckle of his own. "Maybe four, if I go easy on you." he joked and watched as Joker defended himself. Stating very clearly that he could withstand at least eight before he called Chakwas to taddle on him. That threat was what made Garrus laugh out loud, maybe now they could finally head home. The air between everyone seemed clearer. Not happier, but that might change the closer they got to Earth...and maybe, just maybe, his Shepard.


	6. Walking ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard learns to walk again

"Fuck." 

The curse word escaped her lips as she tumbled once again onto the cushioned mat beneath her. Shepard was aching everywhere, the casts finally off and she was pushed into physiotherapy.  _Stupid exercise more like..._ Shepard thought idly as she pushed herself back up onto her feet. She knew her therapist was watching with that stupid frown on his face and his arms folded, almost hearing the sigh as she tried again to walk just one step.

"Commander..." his voice was stern and she ignored it, anger flaring as her knees buckled once more. Sending her flat on her face again.

"Damn it." Shepard didn't like this, being weak was one thing that she could do. But being defenseless was not a feeling she liked at all. It brought memories she didn't like back as she heard steps come closer. "Don't." Shepard snapped and pushed herself back against the clear plastic wall that was supposed to be helping her walk.

"You shouldn't push yourself so hard, Commander, it's been two days since your advancement onto this program." he was tired, she could tell that much, tired of her stubborn nature and lack of preservation. Or maybe he was naturally tired of facing half beaten soldiers and trying to get them to fight again. She sighed and looked up at the brown eyes that reminded her too much of Kaidan. "Give it time, I am sure things will get better." he added and offered a hand to her.

"You are almost as stubborn as me." Shepard muttered and took his hand with her good arm and stood slowly, looking as he laughed faintly. 

"It was why you were assigned to me." He replied, "So Commander, shall we try again?" the way he said it made her think he was offering a challenge and she was always up for a challenge. Hell, she probably preferred impossible odds right now to this. 

"Lead on, Jones, but if I end up kicking your ass its your own fault." Shepard remarked slowly and breathed in, she would get this eventually. She did it once, she could do it again. Shepard glanced up at the wall made of glass, seeing her own reflection gave pause. It had been three months since the Relay came back online. Three months of no contact with the Normandy and no sign of her ship what so ever. Her friends, the ones that remained off visited her often. Namely Samara and Kolyat. She got messages of Miranda and Jacob, ever the operatives and always working for the benefit of others. Yet, she was stuck in what was a funny sort of limbo, waiting for the chance to hear something on her family...

_Family was important. That was the lecture she was sitting through when the sky blew up around them. That was what her father was trying to push across to a young child who knew only what her parents had taught her. The sky had turned blood red and thunder sounded, but nothing like she had ever heard before. She had ran to the window with her mother and looked out, seeing the pillows of black smoke rise over the houses and the faint murmur of screams._

_"Get Alyssa to the shelter." his voice was no longer stern or confident, no he sounded worried and that in turn set Shepard into a state of panic. Her father feared nothing apart from her mother maybe. "Go now, Jane, don't look back." the words sunk in and Shepard began to protest. Hushed by her mother and more thunder rolled out. Flashes of blue light and red fire bloomed like roses outside. The noises became deafening and Shepard tried her best to keep up._

_"Mum, what's happening?" Shepard ask as she held onto the woman's hand, she couldn't even recall what her mother looked like anymore. Traces of her and her father had burned with her home, the look she got in reply set her heart to ice. Nothing good. It was that moment, as they reached the shelter where they stopped, ships pulling people into cages and others being obliterated. Shepard stood frozen, watching people she knew, people she lived with and cared for being ripped from her. Shepard then glanced as a blow came to her head, alien hands pulling her away from her mother._

_"No! ALYSSA!" screams and shots fired, Shepard blinked as her mother's body fell to the ground and fire erupted in her. Anger and pain and something she couldn't think on. Twisting her arm she grabbed the hand gun, or at least it looked like a hand gun and shot. Blood poured on her arm, red streams that ruined her dress. Crawling over she sobbed, holding onto her mother._

_"I'm sorry, mummy, so sorry." Shepard said softly and glanced up as the ships began to take off. She pushed off her feet and ran, there was the engineering building which had a beacon inside. She knew that much, her father worked there long enough. Her legs burned and her head pounded, but she didn't stop. Pushing passed people and trying not to shoot again she managed it. Turning the switches and sobbing, her father had stayed behind...he was probably dead too._

_"This is Alliance command, state your business on this channel." came a very firm male voice, one that she didn't think was real._

_"M-my name is Alyssa...Alyssa Shepard. I-I live on Mindoir...there are...are people attacking. Taking people. They...they killed my mother. Please. Help." She was only sixteen and her biggest fear before today was not having a date yet. There was a long pause and fear curled around her gut, what if she was discovered? Killed too?_

_"Okay, calm down, Alyssa. Help is coming. My name is Anderson, can you stay on this line?" his voice cut through the fear and she breathed in. Focus. Anderson, what a odd name. She forced herself to think if that was his first name or second._

_"I...I can, I can take the radio with me. B-but what do I do?" she asked and took the little black box, grabbing the gun that made her feel worse and walked slowly up into the higher offices._

_"You need to stay calm, keep the beacon running and we will find you. You will be safe." She wanted to believe him, so badly, but as she reached the window she felt sick. But then she saw it, a bright light come from above and what she could see from her view was blue stripes. A shockwave knocked her back, and blackness consumed her. No more nightmares._

Shepard had come a long way, that much was certain, she could almost feel it as she took a step and another. Would her parents be proud of the life that had chosen her? They had wanted her to either be technical like her father, or creative like her mother, but Shepard had ended up being neither. She had ended up a solider, a keystone to a revolution against century old machines and winning. Shepard looked up at her therapist and smirked faintly, 

"I do believe that's a new record, Commander." He said with a disbelief in his eyes, "I forget who you are sometimes." He added and tilted his head slowly. Shepard breathed in a little and turned to him, using the small barrier as support.

"Call me Shepard." she said softly, after all, Alyssa was the young girl who died on Mindoir and Shepard had walked away from that disaster. Anderson would have smiled at that, after all, he was the one who changed her second name in the first place. The young solider who had against all odds, found her drive for others and had nothing left to lose. 


	7. Surprise visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Messages of hope, Shepard does something sneaky and the Normandy gets a surprise

Once again Shepard was housebound, how the hell was she supposed to do anything? Another few months down the line and now she was fine, well, full bill of health. Shepard glanced out the window and breathed slowly. The models built, the books read and the vids watched. Reports read, reports filed and even missions planned. But one slight cold and a bad reaction to an implant and she was back on recovery lane. No stress for the next week or so. 

She was grumbling as Shepard turned faintly, many ships were back online and the Geth were at full force once again. Still no word. Leaning over and picking up her drink from the table. How long had it been since she saw his damn face? That nervous smile he had for her and the way he could make her feel anything just by being close. She missed them all and Miranda believed that it was due to the shockwave wiping everything out, without EDI the Normandy had to take the long way round. But worry filled her, mainly due to not having any connection to them. A message. Just a little one, that's all she cared about, then she would be fine.

Shepard glanced back as she heard a small, little  _ping_. Walking over to her monitor she flicked it on, she would be heading the search and rescue mission for the Normandy but what greeted her stopped her breath. Had she really just wished and got it? There were a few from Hackett, replies to what she had sent, and some more from others thanking her for her sacrifice and then. Right there, on the screen it said,

**Message delivered 12:02pm from G. Vakarian**

Delayed message perhaps? But no, seconds passed and more and more appeared. From Tali, Liara, Joker, Vega and even Kaidan. She slipped into the chair, reading through them one by one. It had been half a year since they had stormed the beam, five since she woke up fully, and here she was. She typed fast and furiously, finding the beam that brought these messages through. Shepard's survival had been the best kept secret and she knew that Hackett (if he managed to sustain contact with the ship) would not tell any of her being alive. That would only place desperation to get back and that was the last thing Hackett needed. She gave a cry of joy as it connected, she was in the mainframe of her ship. Where were they?  _Unknown_. How was it...ah, No EDI.

Then a thought hit her, a small...little thought that bloomed too fast for her to think anything bad of it. She moved across the room on her chair and opened a box, taking a small silver disk out. Miranda would be proud.

"Well, Joker, this is my apology for disabling your girlfriend." Shepard said slowly to herself and back to the computer, slipping the disk in she typed faster. Being a solider had not stemmed her love for fixing and building nor her ability to hack. She couldn't hack AI's like Tali, but she could hack any door she wanted. Even with that damn upgrade. Was it silly? maybe futile, but she had to try. For a moment she wondered what Garrus and Tali would say if they found the hack into the systems. She had named the computer after Legion and the username was the same. Upload started and she breathed out. This would either bring her friend back, or nothing would happen, so from her viewpoint. She had nothing to lose.

_Nothing in her training had prepared her for this. She was pinned and she could almost hear the shouts or what she would say war cries as the people fought back. Closing her eyes she frowned, the thunder echoed and she knew that this would leave emotional scars too._

_"There's a breech!" a woman cried, no, not a woman. A girl. Shepard motioned for them to go on ahead, she would remain and fight. She came here for a holiday, a break in routine and missions. And somehow, ended right in the middle of a bloody batarian raid. Second one in her life time. Except, this time, she was ready for them. Each step gave her more and more confidence, shots firing faster then she could think. Her breath steady and focused as she kept the breech clear of combatants. She could hear them talking, shouting at each other to push through the stupid girl._

_It took hours, she would have said days if it wasn't for the sunlight that poured through the crack. How had she managed this? They were better at being brutal then she was, they were more war ready and battle hardened. They cared little for casualties and even less for soldiers. Which one was she again? She felt younger and older then she was in these moments. Tired and hungry, angry and hurt, but most importantly she was determined to fight for those that lived here. The family she lost, she could see in the people that she had rallied. The family she barely remembered she could feel pushing her on. Shepard glanced at her ammo supply, soon she won't be able to hold them off. and what then? Throw herself on the fire?_

_Family was important. And she had none, except the man who saved her all that time ago. She felt the subtle vibration of the metal beneath her back, she had ten minutes before they tried again. So she steadied her breathing and focused on her fears. What were they again? Losing family. Losing herself. Being alone. Being confined. Stupid fears in the whole of it, she glanced at the reflective metal and saw the batarians moving slowly towards the crack in the wall._

_"Surrender girl and we might spare your life." came a voice, one she felt sick to hear._

_"Fuck you." Shepard called and leaned slowly over and picked up what she believed was a plasma grenade. "These people did nothing to you!" SHe shouted and heard a dirty chuckle, it was deep and throaty. Was he mocking her?_

_"Your skill is remarkable, your bravery commendable, but it is futile. You will die and your death will be meaningless." the voice snarled at her, and she almost smiled before clipping the grenade open._

_"All I have to say is..." she breathed in and tossed it down the small hall, where the crack was. "...See you in hell!" she shouted and ducked, the explosion was loud and made her eyes hurt at the flash. She felt the ground rumble and glanced up. The crack had crumbled and blocked the entire hall up. She saw what looked like a human hand sticking out of the rubble and felt her stomach churn. Did the Batarian's have help? Shaking her head she pushed herself up and ahead, back to the main hall, back to people._

"Garrus! Garrus!" Tali called and ran into the cockpit, the two men looked up. "I was running a diagnostic...of course I was...anyway I got this." she threw the pad into Garrus' hand. She was giddy for some reason, and that made Joker tilt his head slightly. What was she so happy about?

"It's a message from Admiral Hackett." Garrus said slowly and read it out loud, nothing too important but he froze. "Hang on, there is a hack on this message Tali." Garrus frowned more and looked at the Quarian. Who was itching to move, urging him on for some reason.

"Read the name. Go on." she said with a grin, Joker was looking between them with a pout, at least that was what Garrus called it. "I squealed and scared Gabby, but I saw it and freaked!" she said and leaned over him. Pointing. He was about to read it when the entire ship shook, 

"What the hell..." Garrus said and frowned as he looked at Joker, "What was that?" the turian did not like this, surprises were no helpful at the moment and right now, with Tali acting strange. He just felt weird. He watched as Joker shrugged, he couldn't find anything obviously, so he went back to reading the message.

"Well, who hacked us?" Joker asked as he looked around for a clue as to why systems were finally up. "I doubt Hackett could." He joked and looked over at his friends, the sudden silence made him tilt his head more.

"Legion!" Tali said happily, "But it couldn't be, so there is only a few people that would name themselves that and I think the best possible candidate would b...what is that face for?" Tali asked slowly as both men looked through her, Joker taking a paler shade. Was there something about what she said? Was saying Legion so strange? It was the click clack that made her think of something else, the hushed silence over the entire deck. Not just the cockpit. Tali noticed then, the flashing light on the controls. The FTL drive had been fixed but without proper controls (namely the ones EDI looked over) they had no way of navigating the FTL. 

"I do believe Tali'zorah, that it is me that is causing that reaction." came a very familiar voice, one that made her stop and turn fast. And there she was, stood in the doorway with a smile that was almost like Shepard's. "I have placed control back into your hands, Jeff. Also, I have a command in my code that says for us to return to Earth." she said and moved towards her seat that Garrus scrambled out of. 

"Go ahead, EDI, take us home." Garrus said softly, though he was wondering if he was even awake right now. "And, welcome back." his eyes went back to the pad. Who would use Legion to hack EDI...his mind went to Miranda first, but she wasn't sentimental. He thought about his Shepard, but she had told him once that Commanding Officers didn't get sentimental, who else? He thought back on and decided the best possible candidate would be Kasumi. Under Shepard's commands at least and that made him sigh slowly. Tali caught up and squeezed his arm faintly, they both knew one thing. Joker wouldn't be drunk anymore.


	8. Shattered Sight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard loses her sight for a few days and the darkness brings unwelcome feelings and sudden clarity.

Shepard had been warned that her synthetic eyes might not work fully until later, they were the least of her health problems, but that didn't stop the panic when she woke up partially blind one morning. Fading hope made her believe it would get better as the day went on, however it seemed the opposite happened. A few days later and she was completely blind. Flashes of light were her only solace as she sat in her apartment. Her nurse, a lovely lady from the Alliance, would visit soon but until then she was very much on her own. In a silent home.

It wasn't that frightful at first, in fact, Shepard found it oddly calming at first. Just listening and trying not to think too much on the fact that she might not be able to see anyone she cared for again. If Garrus, Joker or even EDI (Still no message back on if that had happened) had survived, would she never be able to see their faces again? No, she wasn't going to think about that. She would see them again one day. Shepard played with her hands, running her fingertips over the known creases in her palms. Something her therapist had taught her in case of panic attacks.

This was considered grounding, to take one thing from each of her senses and focus on that instead of the panic rising in her heart, to accept the panic and not let it ruin her. But it wasn't working as well as it usually did, without sight she was missing the main one of her senses. Maybe she would have to face a different approach. What other options were there for her to take?

"You would know what to do right now..." she breathed out slowly and let her head fall back. It was one thing to be blind, but another to know what things looked like without being able to see them. She wondered slowly about other things that would cause equal harm. Being left behind, or leaving people behind. Forcing people out and maybe even keeping people in. How many opposites felt the same to both parties? This led to thoughts on everything she had been through and that was not a nice road at all. There were bright spots for sure, and then there were seriously dark moments.

Her start had been nice, she could just recall the days she spent skirting her duties and reading adventure stories in trees, but that had changed with a battle she had barely escaped from. And again, her life had brightened up with Anderson taking her in and teaching her before she could join at age eighteen. Joining and rising though the ranks had made her happy. A sense of order and need had pushed her and then that had all crumbled with another battle. It seemed to cycle, good then bad and then a long recovery. Irony was in buckets when she thought of that. 

 _"Brace for evasive manuvers!" came across the intercom and that was all Shepard needed, what was attacking her ship this time? The ship moved to one side so violently that Shepard needed to steady herself on the wall. If they were under attack then she needed back up, THEY needed backup. Walking fast she focused on her goal. To send a mayday as soon as she could. It was that moment that the entire deck went black and the emergency lights came on. Fire exploded onto the deck and she felt the worry for her crew cut like a knife. Getting to the console she swiped as fast as she could and then typed, they had to help them, hopefully they got to the lifepods._  
  
_"Shepard!" came a voice, just as urgent as Joker's had been, she knew what they were about to ask._  
  
_"Stress beacon is ready to launch." She breathed and turned slightly, seeing Liara looking at her so worriedly. Hitting the button and then turning fully to her friend, she knew that they had to get to the life pods now._  
  
_"Will the Alliance get here in time?" Liara asked, a twist in her gut made her feel like they wouldn't but saying that would be counterproductive. Especially since they needed the inner circle to focus on helping the crew._  
  
_"The Alliance won't abandon us, Liara, we just need to hold on. Get everyone to the escape shuttles and make sure you do too." Shepard said loudly, over the explosions and crackling metal. Putting some fire out and making sure she stayed on her feet were all she could focus on right now. It was that moment that her friend said the worst thing she ever could say._

_"Joker's still in the cockpit, he won't abandon ship." Liara said and stopped her commander, who frowned more. "I'm not leaving either!" why were all her friends so damn stubborn? Putting a screen back and then breathing out once more. She wasn't about to have any stupid hero's on her ship._

_"I need you to get the crew on the escape shuttles, I will get Joker." Shepard stopped her friend and looked at her through the helmet screen. She could almost see the lingering doubt and before Liara could say anything else on the matter Shepard pushed her towards the hall. "Liara, Go. Now." and with that Shepard climbed through the hole and ran towards the cockpit._

_The entire hallway was red, fire and dim lights, the air was being turned into warmth and yet all Shepard felt was anger and sorrow. This ship was her life now and it was burning up around her, and then she reached the stairway. Her heart beating so fast as she saw one half completely blocked by what was once the ceiling. She could recall the first time she walked this path and now she was walking the last. Racing up the steps, taking two or three at a time, until she reached the door._

_What greeted her wasn't the main deck, no, but the emptiness of space. Chairs, metal and people she once knew were floating around, pain and an ache she was all too familiar with hit her again. Seeing the stars and the planet above them was almost beautiful, but then she saw the attacking ship. Brown and long, nothing at all like anything she had seen. Taking one step at a time she made her way across the vaccum. What was Joker still doing on board? He should have been the first off, he knew that, Shepard gritted her teeth as she knew why. This was his ship too. The best of the best, one of her kind and nothing else came close to comparing to her Normandy._

_"Come on, Joker! We have to get out of here!" Shepard rounded on the pilot chair and looked down at the man, who seemed so angry at the screens in front of him._

_"No! I won't abandon the Normandy! I can still save her!" Joker's reply made the pain ache more, her love for the ship was only second to the love Joker had for the warship. She knew that Joker had gotten everything the way he liked it, the chair and codes and everything, but losing her was not worth losing his life._

_"The Normandy's lost. Going down with the ship won't change that Jeff." Shepard sighed faintly, knowing reason would remind the pilot of why they were here in the first place._

_"Yeah....okay. Help me u-. No! They are coming around for another attack!" Shepard looked up and felt her panic rise as she saw the beam cut through her ship completely, not wasting a moment, Shepard grabbed Joker's arm and pulled him up. Ignoring his complaints as she helped him to the life pod right next to them. She got him in when the entire ship split in half. Sending Shepard back against the wall. Pain lanced through her back as she moved away from the ship's only escape. Shepard looked at the pod, there was no way of her getting there. No way of her escaping now, breathing in she pushed the buttons. Barely hearing Joker's shout._

_The beam sliced through the cockpit and hit the controls, bright light and fire pushed the commander back against another wall. One of these days she was going to put foam in the suit, so she would ache as much if something hit her. She breathed in and felt herself float away from the destruction. One last shot and there went her ship, blowing outward, nothing remaining of what had been her home._

_Now Shepard had two problems, she was stuck in space with nothing to move on. She had never really been spaced before, but she knew her suit would last until help (namely a life pod) found her, so she took this moment to look around. Empty space had always been beautiful to her, dangerous for sure, but still beautiful. She sighed and that was when the flashing red light came to her attention. Why was it flashing?_

_It came like slap in her face, the oxygen levels were depleting fast, faster then she could stop. There was a leak in her air supply and everything she needed to live was venting out. Her breaths came fast and short, trying to stop the air from escaping in a futile attempt to prolong the end. Shepard glanced out, the air had pushed her towards the planet and that meant one thing really. Not able to breathe made her realize the end to the story was coming sooner then she hoped. Her mind stopped it's fear and she thought on Joker, he would blame himself for this...wouldn't he? She closed her eyes, seeing black and red from behind her eyelids made her sob out. Gasping. She never told anyone how she felt, never told Kaidan that she felt sorry for shouting at him and breaking his heart. Never told Tali that she was one of the best friends she had that was smarter then her. Never told Wrex that he was like a big brother, always making her laugh. Never told Liara that she was beautiful as well as smart and to embrace that, gain the confidence to fight on. Tears escaped her eyes as she thought on Garrus and Anderson, never told them she loved them, and now she never would._

_It all faded to black, and that was it._

Opening her eyes again she tried to ignore the tears running down her cheeks, blurred lights that resembled absolutely nothing greeted her. She hadn't thought on that day in such a long time, she had pushed it back and tried to ignore it. She had found Garrus again, told him everything and he had loved her back. She had told them all, that she cared and it was hard for her too. Death was her only companion. Even now, she had evaded it again, and even now she was trying her best to ignore it. 

"Commander Shepard?" came a female voice at the door, or at least she thought it was the door. "Where are you?" it called out and Shepard wiped her cheeks before saying here in a cracked voice. She heard the slight gasp and felt a warm hand on her arm. Obviously it must have looked bad. "What happened? I got a page saying you needed help..." it was the nurse, Shepard smiled faintly and tried to face the nurse. Failing drastically.

"My eyes, not working at all, not afraid of the dark or anything but..." Shepard sighed again, they brought the panic back and she had been doing so well lately, not needed to sleep near her armor at all.

"Let me." the nurse brushed her warm hands over her cheek to get a better view, and Shepard tried not to close her eyes at this. While the nurse did whatever she was doing, Shepard spoke slowly on whatever the Nurse asked. A good distraction technique, Shepard mused to herself, and blinked as the lights danced to blend together. Bit by bit her sight returned and Shepard was thankful, almost too much so.

"Oh!" The woman, who Shepard could now see perfectly, stood and brushed her hands off her white dress. "I have a message for you too." The smile made Shepard stand slowly and breathe out. She was going to have nightmares tonight for sure. "The Normandy." two words that made the commander turn sharply. Her Normandy? The Nurse smiled brightly and that made hope come back in a crushing wave. "They found her. She's two hours out, it seems that EDI had a reboot from outside help." the look the nurse gave Shepard made her smile finally, small at first and sheepish. "So, what shall we wear to the pier?" The nurse asked. 

Shepard only smiled in reply.


	9. Reunion protocol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So close, yet so far away...

The entire ship seemed brighter, Garrus hummed slightly as he watched Joker, taking EDI's name off the wall had given everyone hope. He watched as the female AI stood before it, scanning the new names and looking at all the crew. Everyone had been overjoyed at the surprise, everyone but Liara, who was certain the hack was something else entirely. Only those aboard the ship had met Legion and even then, no one had been brave enough to befriend the bot, not like Shepard had. Garrus blinked faintly as he watched Joker hold onto EDI's hand, many still didn't think Shepard had survived and even though they were back in the Sol system, they had not heard anything. 

"We have our orders from Hackett, Garrus, we'll be landing shortly." Jeff said and turned to the turian with a faint smile, "Still no word on her though." He added and looked at EDI, who merely shrugged. She had no memory over who brought her back, except the two words that were deep within her code.  _Come Home_. Garrus nodded slightly, thankful humans couldn't understand or even hear subvocals, otherwise they would all know how nervous  being near Earth was making him. It was one thing to hope she was alive, another completely to actually find out. He looked back towards the memorial wall and read through all the names. 

Garrus walked into her cabin slowly, the fish long gone and the lights in the tank turned off, the hamster squeaked as he walked past and stood at the top of the stairs. He had left everything untouched, it wasn't meant to be changed and he knew that if she was...no, she would come back, when she did he knew she'd fuss over the fact things were missing or worse, things being moved. He sighed and brushed his hand over the couch, what was he supposed to do? What would she have him do? He had left her behind and that had been the hardest thing he had ever done. Sitting slowly on the bed he looked around, this place had once been so full of life and now it was nearly bare. 

Garrus owed Shepard so much it was almost funny. He was a son of a solider and obviously became a solider himself, though he always had an issue with rules and regulations, namely the red tape around finishing a case. He had believed that the best way to get the result would be to risk anything, though that had often caused tension between himself and his father. On many occasions he had found himself frustrated, to what happened to some of the people around him, even more so when they got away with crime. That had all changed with Shepard, she taught him that the end didn't justify the means and that was something he had never thought on really. Garrus leaned back slightly and thought more on what else she had shown him. 

_Garrus had been certain, a hundred percent sure, that he wanted to finish this now. Set up in the rafters of the Citadel, looking through the scope at the point where Sidonis would be. Sidonis needed to pay for the deaths of their friends, all ten, and each one deserved justice. How he didn't see it coming was anyone's guess, but that was beside the point. Trust had been broken, betrayal had been swift and harsh, as much as Garrus tried to keep on the path Shepard had placed him on the anger had turned that into something else entirely._

_"Shepard, can you hear me?" he spoke, knowing that his voice sounded angry even now. She had tried talking him out of this every step of the way, stopping him from shooting Harkin and even talking to him in the skycar. He could feel the slight inkling that he was letting her down, but he had to do this, he had to give his team justice in some way._

_"Loud and clear." Her voice echoed in his ear, she walked with a slight slouch in her shoulders and he watched her, moving effortlessly in between people, like a ghost. He moved the scope across the room, looking at all the people until he stopped. There he was. Garrus felt his entire body tense as he focused on the man that cost so many lives._

_"Alright. There he is..." Garrus felt himself weaver then, "Wave him over and keep him talking." he added with a frown, he could end it over now and probably get caught. Each second that Sidonis got closer to his Shepard...not his...he felt a tremor through his hand. This was too much, what was he going to do? What should he do? His eyes moved between the Turian and Shepard. Whatever she had planned would come out now, he knew that much, she always had something up her sleeve._

_"You're in my shot, move to the side."  He said simply, he would never take the shot if she kept standing between them, though...the more he thought on it. Maybe that was her plan. He gritted his teeth as that came to be, Alyssa warned the male what he had planned and damn her if that was going to stop him. "Damn it, Shepard, if he moves I am taking the shot." Garrus snapped through the comm, knowing she would probably tell him off later for that. Though as he listened to the two converse that same frisson of anger ran through him. Didn't have a choice?  
_

_"Everyone has a choice." Garrus said to himself mostly, because he did and look where that got him. Alone and betrayed. His friend had been spaced, sure she was back now, but watching that was not what he wanted to remember now as he knelt against the banister. "Let me take the shot, Shepard. He's a damn Coward!" He added, seeing her move her head slightly through the scope. What on earth was she thinking now? How could she be so amazingly good?_

_Shepard moved with Sidonis, knowing full well he didn't have a clear shot...Garrus slowed his breath as the turian spoke on what he had been living like since the betrayal and that was what shocked him. Exactly like him. Garrus watched the two carefully, the tremor once again running through him for a different reason, Shepard was too good at keeping the peace and being a rock for all her crew. He wanted it to be over, huh?_

_"Just give me a chance." Garrus breathed out, forgetting that Shepard was on the other side of the link. He was too busy thinking on what had happened between each other to think on what happened with him and his Commander._

_"You got to let it go, Garrus. He's already paying for his crime." The way she spoke was soft, not demanding, she was giving him yet another chance to back out on his terms. Though the anger and pain reared it's head again, losing control of his brain to mouth filter once again. Turian's didn't allow this._

_"He hasn't paid enough, he still has his life..." Garrus snapped, what was he even fighting for anymore? If Shepard was telling him to try and back out, to spare the life of a coward, then why was he insisting?_

_"Look at him, he's not alive....there's nothing left to kill." Her words hit home once again, he glared through the scope, could he still kill a man he knew wanted it? Garrus looked at Shepard in that moment, would she spare him?_

_"My men...they deserved better." He admitted finally, hearing her breath and seeing her give a sad smile made everything hurt all the more. She knew he had lost the drive for blood, even before he did, how could a woman like Shepard still teach him and not think of him as something stupid. She was still showing him what to do, even now. Garrus lifted his head slightly as Sidonis spoke of not being able to make things right. Maybe there was still some good in him after all?_

_"Just...go. Tell him to go." The turian finally submitted and watched as Shepard turned to face him, she couldn't see him but he knew she was proud. He didn't know how to feel as Sidonis thanked Shepard, was it her words that talked him down? Or was it him that couldn't take the shot? Standing, he breathed in deep, how in hell was he going to talk to Shepard now? When she had seen such an ugly side to him?_

Stepping off the Normandy onto the dry dock was an odd feeling, seeing Hackett in person and many others cheering was even more odd. He saw Miranda first, the white suit she always wore against all the dress blues were surprising and more eye catching then anything else. He couldn't see  _her_ though, and that made him frown as the entire crew disembarked. He stopped as Miranda walked to him, a smile playing those lips of hers, she had a secret. 

"Vakarian." Now that wasn't a voice he was expecting on his first day on earth, "Or should I say Archangel?" she teased, causing a smile to finally appear and a shake of his head. 

"Miranda, nice to see you and your genes made it out..." he said and stood in front of the human. He glanced back around and heard a small laugh, looking back at the ex-cerberus cheerleader he frowned again. "What?" he added. Miranda shook her head and waited a moment before moving to the side. Confused, Garrus looked to where she had stood a moment before and his breath caught once again. There, just a few feet away was a woman climbing out of a skycar. 

Her skin was paler then anyone else's, slightly bruised and bandaged, nothing too serious anyway. Her hair was short, but a fierce red that he recalled all too well, a beautiful red dress that showed her N7 tattoo on her left shoulder. He felt shock as the woman turned to him, her eyes two different colours but looking right through him. Her face soft and beautiful, a smile playing her red lips and she moved like water. Fluid and soft through the crowd. Like a ghost.

"Shepard!" He heard from behind him, the entire crew were moving passed him and taking her in their arms. Laughing and tears as the woman who walked them into hell and back was stood right before them. She laughed with them, hugging them in turn and nodding as they told her stories. He could hear them, talks about rebuilding and how EDI came back, how they all thought she was dead except Garrus and how Kadian had refused to lead and let the ex-vigilante lead them home. Shepard slipped passed Joker, smiling at EDI, before standing in front of Garrus. She was about to say something, he knew that much, maybe to spare him from facing the nervous babble he was used too.

Garrus blinked and that was all it took for her to turn from vibrant and alive to pale and falling. He had ran this in his head so many times, to hold her and kiss her, to have her laugh and tell him sorry. Sorry for leaving him behind. She was in his arms, but she was cold and limp against him. Nononono, he couldn't lose her now. He wouldn't let go as the world blurred around them. He could feel her heart beneath her skin, faint but there, he gasped faintly as reality faded in. She was alive. Shepard was alive. She had survived the citadel and survived the explosion, but...why was she not awake? Why was she so pale?

He was not okay.


	10. Twisted feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darkness looms as Garrus tries to come to grips with Shepard's delicate condition.

_Day and night blended together on Omega, even more so when you didn't sleep for twenty four hours, not like he deserved sleep any more. Or if he could, he doubt he wanted to anyway. Not with the witless wonders that were currently being pushed into his scope. He wouldn't be able to hold out for much longer, he closed his eyes for a moment before thinking back on everything. Would Alyssa be proud? He hoped so. Would his father be proud? Well, he would ask. If this was his last stand, what he could do was forgive his father. And maybe ask for forgiveness himself._

_"Garrus?" voice only was better this way, maybe then he couldn't see the withdrawal in his eyes as Garrus looked through the scope again, "what's the matter?" his father's voice was stern but worried all the same._

_"Father, just wanted to say something before it gets too late." Garrus hummed faintly as he looked and fired. "I am sorry father, for being stubborn and hard headed. Mother always said I had her spirit." he could hear the silence and that was nerve wrecking. Plus, mentioning mother was always a bad way to start a talk with the man who raised him._

_"What is going on, son? Where are you?" Garrus sighed faintly and knew where this was going, the truth wasn't something that would bring the right feeling and as much as Garrus wanted to spare his family, doing the easy option wasn't always the right one. That he had learned the hard way, with the loss of some good men and even more loss from the other side now._

_"Just...some target practice." Garrus replied and looked through the scope, more idiots arriving gave him a slight frown. Were they ever going to run out of men? Hadn't there been enough death for one day? Garrus tightened his grip on the sniper rifle and scanned the new....recruits? Freelancers for sure._

_"Son. What aren't you telling me?" the disembodied voice replied as Garrus looked away for a moment. Towards his omnitool. His only link to the family he didn't fight hard enough for._

_"Nothing father, but I might be gone longer then I originally planned, so I just wanted to clear the air. A wise man once told me that the easy thing to do and the right thing were not the same. I finally understood what that meant." Garrus breathed out and shook his head, emotional now would only damage his chances (which were already pitiful). Garrus looked back through the scope and spied something he had not seen for nearly two years. Like a slap to the face, a reminder not to give up or in to the fatality of the situation._

_Red camo armor, shimmering in the dim light and what seemed to be black designs running across the chest plate. Custom designs that stood out like a beacon. He only knew one person dumb enough to be that cocky armor in the middle of a gang war, red and the all too familiar N7  logo on the left shoulder plate only improved that feeling, however the cerberus mark on the other side made him doubt that it really was the right person. He looked up towards the head of the solider walking slowly to two others. In different armor (white and black, with Cerberus markings). The human had bright red hair that was tied back into a very intricate hair design, he had watched Shepard plait her hair once and to this day it still made him wonder why humans did so. He scanned the woman's face and the smile he found sent chills down his back. Shepard._

_"Forget that, son, just...finish up your target practice and come home. That's an order." his father said with what could be a sad sound, he couldn't be sure, this was his father. Maybe they were saying goodbye in the only way he knew how?_

_"I will come home when I can, father, I have to meet an old friend first. After all, the odd's just got interesting." Garrus didn't wait for a reply as he ended the call. Now he would see what his ex-CO had planned. Why she was even here, and with Cerberus? What did they want with the woman he fought with? Were they here for him? or were they looking for aid off the gangs? These questions distracted him from the big piece of the puzzle. Shepard was here. Whichever way the wind was blowing, he was sure for one thing, he was going to sleep for a week after this was over._

_It was watching Shepard move around the enemy camp without blinking that was nerve wrecking, was it even Shepard? What was he thinking, of course it was, only Shepard would wear that god awful armor and think she looked okay. He smirked faintly as he recalled the day she tried it on. Damn woman beamed for a week after she payed for it. It wasn't until after she landed over the wall did she start shooting the gang members in the back. The irony in that lifted his spirits. Not that he'd ever tell her that. She'd probably berate him for chancing fate like he was, and he had learned that fate was never kind in her fights._

_It wasn't until after, seeing her in person and talking to her that it really hit home for him. She was back from the dead, that much was clear from the scars on her face, but somehow she was whole. The woman he had grown to care for, fight for and even aim to be a fraction of a good solider like her was back. But it wasn't until he took a missile to the bloody face that he realized how horrible the situation must have been for her. To lose all that time and not understand why, or even how she had lost it all within mere moments. Seeing and feeling that, going through that, he knew whatever Shepard was keeping close to her chest was not for the faint of heart (or head for that matter). She had darkness too, just like him, but maybe they could face it together? No, that was silly. She was his commander, not to mention human, his feelings for his Shepard were just that. His._

_And nothing was going to change that._

It was like slow motion, the way things passed so softly and quickly, leaving Garrus with a hollow sort of feeling in his chest. Shepard brought the best out in people, and now he could see it in action. How quickly people jumped to help her. He wondered for a moment how a woman like Shepard was even forged. Shepard was born into a normal family and became a warrior because it was needed or was it something she had never shared with him. If that was true then the growing hole in his chest was testament to that. Garrus watched with a sort of detachment that his father would have been proud of, how easily it was to deny any feeling when it caused harm and how easily he could just step back from her. He had ran away from those feelings once before, avoided her as they grew close and yet...

It only took losing her to remind him of what they should have done all along. It only took him to see her slip away for him to fight for her. Garrus took a breath, his mandibles fluttering as people gathered around them, and tried to think on how to help her without emotion. He needed to think clearly and seeing her breathing stutter and shake in his arms was not making him think at all. When was the last time he had been like this? It was like his breath had been knocked out of him and the sense of losing was overwhelming. It would have been kinder to find her already buried but this was a whole new kind of torture. 

"Hey..." his voice was not as strong as he would like but he knew that as he slipped his hand into hers, "...I am here now, I am sorry it took so long...but I am here." he said softly, so only she would hear him. What was he going to do if she died now? The idea edged around his mind as he brushed her hair back, soothing her as best as he could. Moments like these made him realize just how bad he was at this, at being part of someone's life and not failing, was that what he was always meant to do? Darker thoughts had led him to worse places then this, he knew that, but looking at how fragile she looked. Garrus had to admit to himself that what she needed most right now...simply wasn't him.

Garrus blinked as gloved hands made his hands stop shaking, looking up to see a woman who looked oddly familiar and then it clicked so fast. It was oddly calming to know the hands who could save his Shepard, was this going to help calm him properly? He bloody well hoped so, he needed good news around about now.   
"Dr. Michel...how?" he asked slowly, knowing that the people around him could tell he was shaken pretty badly and they couldn't offer support. He probably didn't deserve any words of hope from the crew of the Normandy or any words that could calm the storm that seemed to settle between himself and Shepard. Even after what they had to do to be together, for the little time they had to record, and what he was sure they both fought daily. The doctor simply smiled at him and said something that didn't even register properly, he just nodded and slowly let go of her. Hoping, for whatever it was worth, that it wasn't the last time. 

Everyone watched as the doctor used something, injecting it into Shepard's arm, and then checked everything else. He heard Joker's questions about her condition and Dr Michel's replies. Her condition was worse then anything he could have feared, she had been blown across a room and trapped under rubble for so long before help arrived. Garrus winced as he heard the story, Shepard should be dead by all accounts, lack of technology should have seen to that. Yet, she lived and breathed for the entire time they were apart. Fighting to be with him. It didn't stop there, even with Dr Michel's assurances that Shepard would be okay, each day was a battle for her and he knew that no matter the hardship he found himself in, Shepard always fought on with what she had. He breathed out slowly, ignoring the pang through his heart, it wasn't his anymore really and though he tried hard to starve off his feelings for anyone...Shepard always had a way of surviving even the toughest of situations.

"...G..." the voice was soft, broken and perfect. Garrus looked down from the doctor and to his commander, who stirred finally. "....Gar..." there it was again, like a flicker of a light in a blackout. He ignored the pained sound from his mouth and leaned down, closer to her. Anything was better then staying away.

"I am here, Shepard." Garrus said softly, as he watched one blue eye and one green eye opened and blinking up at him, she was coming back to him after all. "I will always come back to you." he said simply, knowing that he was probably going to back out on that one day. He ruined everything he loved one way or another. 

"...yo...you're late." Shepard gave a breathy laugh that made him smile sadly, she pushed herself up and he knew that somehow she would always push him to be the best he could. "...I l-love you." she mused softly, and held his hand tightly. Garrus put their foreheads together, closing his eyes as he breathed in again. He was never going to let her face anything alone again. 

"And I you, Shepard." It was like someone had taken over him, speaking for him in a tone that was so strong for her, maybe that was what he was meant to do? Lie through his teeth to keep some sort of peace? He glanced up to their friends, all of them hopeful and standing firm for their leader. "Let's get you home, okay?" he added and helped her stand. She stood on her own for a moment, then slipped faintly, he easily stopped her from hurting herself again. 

"Shut up." Shepard was smiling, her flushed cheeks blooming once again and her eyes bright as she looked at him. He finally smiled a little and shrugged faintly,

"I didn't say a word, Shepard, but if I were..." Garrus started and kept his arms around her, seeing how she laughed a little calmed the demons that haunted his steps, he loved her laugh. 

"Don't even start, keep your smart mouth shut Vakarian. You already owe me a drink." Her words were less weak and more like her own, he smiled lightly as he looked around at their friends, maybe he could keep it together long enough to settle into a routine. Could he go without anything adventurous for a while? He could try for one thing, but it was doubtful they were going back to work any time soon.  

"Only after you get better, Commander." Garrus said with a smile and helped her back towards her car. And of course, the crew followed. Like they always would, to hell and back. Getting privacy was going to be hard for sure. This was a family that he knew she would always cherish, she had already lost one and now she had another. Did she think of them often? Her parents. Her home. A life she could have had without him in it...he blinked as he felt a warm hand on his.

"Stop worrying, I will be fine. I am fine." Alyssa smiled warmly at him, so strong even now, he could merely attempt to be the same. Garrus gave her a small smile in return and got into the back with her. When was he going to learn? When was it going to sink in that he didn't deserve to be happy? Garrus watched as the lights streamed passed the windows. Blurring into what could only be described as beams of nothing. Garrus felt warmth spread through his shoulder, glancing down he saw her resting against him. Shepard was finally lowering her armor to him and yet...he couldn't do the same for her. How did she elicit such strong emotions from him without even uttering a word? Years of culture and being taught to hold it in and push forward without anything holding him back had not stopped him from for falling stupidly hard for this human. 

"I love you, Alyssa." Garrus said softly, kissing her hair as he kept her close. Whatever he had to do, whatever price he had to pay to keep her by his side, he would gladly do so. Because he knew that somehow, someway, his past and hers would clash. His fears of not being good enough, and doing the wrong thing would always push her away while her need for family and her desire to be with him were not one in the same. He didn't know her fears, but after this...he was going to find out. 

Even if that meant losing her completely. 


	11. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wrap up to a story (for now...)

Shepard had accepted the fact she was fragile, even more so since the Normandy returned, but that didn't stop her noticing Garrus's reactions. Subvocals were not something she could pick up normally, but she had noticed the way he seemed to stiffen when she wasn't looking. What was going through his head was any guess, but it didn't calm her. She was currently stood in her kitchen, one that Garrus seemed to enjoy more often now they were both officially retired. 

"Hey Vakarian!" she shouted out and finished plating up their meals. She heard a bang and then a swear, laughing to herself she slipped into a seat and saw him walk in. Seeing him every day was pushing the nightmares and fears and even the PTSD away. Being near him was relaxing and overall better for her health. Even her doctors had said they were surprised at how well she was doing. 

"How are you feeling today Shepard?" He asked before sitting, for the tenth time today it seemed. What was worse was that he refused to stay in the same bed as her, she needed space to heal he told her and being near him might not help. She merely smiled at him and shrugged, motioned to the food and began eating. Silence stretched and Shepard was wondering how they had gone from closer then bond mates to almost strangers.

"You ever going to tell me whats wrong?" Shepard asked finally, looking at him with a smile. She watched as he coughed and trilled nervously. She had struck a nerve after all. 

"N-nothing is wrong." He replied finally, terrified of some unspoken thing, and it made her wonder more. Was it her fault? Was she missing something obvious?

"Oh? So when are you going back to Palavan." she asked and acted completely normal. Though her mind was going through the past few days over and over again. Thinking about what she could have said or done to upset her Turian. 

"I...wait, what?" He asked, stopping all movement. "You...want me to go back?" He was shocked and she had to admit that he looked even more scared. Was he scared of losing her again? Most probably.

"I was thinking we could go together, I still need to meet your father. Unless..." She played with her food and looked back at him, "You would rather go alone?" she added and noted his sigh of relief. He was. Her Vakarian was worried she wasn't going to want him anymore or worse, that they were broken like her body had been. The silence dragged once again and she didn't like where her thoughts were heading. They were together finally, and yet it seemed they were still miles apart.

"Shepard...I..." his voice broke her thoughts like they always did, but she hated the tone he used.

"Yes?" she answered quickly, maybe spare her emotions a little. This spooked the Turian and he clammed up once more, staring at her with worried eyes. "Look, Garrus, I know your afraid of something. I am not sure what, but we can face it together." Shepard added and leaned forward. Taking his hand into hers. "We can face whatever this world throws at us." she smiled even more. Whatever was holding him back seemed to dissipate when she spoke and he nodded more.

"I want us to stay together." Garrus started again, breathing in slowly and out even more worriedly, "So...I was looking at, well, vids. Humans do bondmates differently and I wanted to make sure..." he rambled on and on while Shepard thought on that one word. Bondmate. Was he asking her for her hand? Over the dinner table?

"Yes." Shepard replied. 

"Sorry?" Garrus asked slowly, remembering what he was actually talking about. "Yes what?" he seemed stupefied by this whole talk.

"Yes, Garrus, I will be yours forever. I will be your bondmate." Shepard laughed faintly as she could only guess him to blush. He grinned and stood, taking her into his arms. Whatever he feared was gone now and their future was set to be together. They were free of reapers and together. The only problems they faced now was how they were going to cope with their very large and very loud family. 

A happy(ish) ending all round. And who knows? Maybe adoption was in their future...


End file.
